Increase Your Emotional Intelligence: 2008

How To Motivate Your Employees

Monday, September 15, 2008

This film will give you examples of motivating your employees. If your workforce are lazy and lack that spark of energy let VideoJug tell you how to get them motivated. Motivate your employees instantly with the help of this short tutorial.

Step 1:: Motivate YOU first; Think about the motivations that compel you to do a good job, and focus on them yourself. This way, you will set a good example for your employees to follow, and be more pleasant to work with. Because if you hate your job, and you're in charge, what's there to work up to?
Step 2:: Get to know your employees; Get some insight into the lives of the people you hired. Learn about who they are, and where they are going. Find out what motivates each individual to do a good job so you can exploit, we mean capitalize on it.
Step 3:: Use smarter goals; Convey goals that are specific, realistic, and measurable. As long as they can see the light at the end of the tunnel, they will keep digging.
Step 4:: Delegate Authority; You know the bottom line. Instead of micro-managing everyone else's work, explain to them what your bottom line is, and assign them a certain amount of authority so that they can take charge of the task at hand. By opening up new possibilities, your employees will be encouraged to do the job the way they would do it if they were in charge.
Step 5:: Work out a Reward System; Provide a clear system of incentives for your employees, such as awards and recognition, a pay raise, increased time off, more responsibility (or less), a promotion, or a customized position. Once you have achieved success, don't forget to celebrate!

How To Run A Meeting

Meetings can be an incredibly productive way of making decisions, planning for the future or communicating to a group of people at once. We'll show you how to run an effective meeting.

Step 1:: Preparation; First establish why you need to hold the meeting. What are your aims? What do you need the meeting to achieve? Make a list of your targets for the meeting, and write an agenda of the items you need to tackle during the meeting. It's a good idea to send this out to your colleagues beforehand so they know what to expect.
Step 2:: A facilitator; An effective meeting needs someone to act as referee. They are there to keep the meeting on track and make sure everyone's sticking to the agenda. Ideally they should be impartial - if this can't be you, rope in a colleague: it could be anyone.
Step 3:: Room layout; Make sure everyone can see everyone else, and choose a layout that doesn't reinforce hierarchy - this could give an unfair advantage to those of a higher rank. Everyone should feel able to speak freely. A U-shape arrangement is perfect, with facilitator at gap in the U.
Step 4:: Timing; If you schedule your meeting to begin on the hour, the chances are people will drift in, grab a coffee, have a chat, eat a biscuit, compare plans for the weekend, and generally bunk off for at least ten minutes before you're able to begin.

Instead, schedule it for an off-hour time, say ten past two instead of two o' clock. This simple psychological trick will encourage punctuality and means you can start on time. You should also have an enforced cut off point to close the meeting. This will reduce dithering and keep you on task.
Step 5:: Icebreaker; If some members of the group haven't met, run through some group introductions. Go round the group and get people to introduce themselves with who they are, what they do, and something silly to help break the ice. Embarrassing stories are always good for this - get everyone to say the first record they ever bought , or their favourite guilty pleasure...
Step 6:: The hangar; You have a definite purpose for your meeting, but, pesky free-thinking individuals that they are, your employees will want to talk about things that aren't on your agenda. Have a separate piece of paper available where you can write down and store off-topic ideas for discussion later. This will help people feel they have been listened to, while keeping the meeting on task.
Step 7:: The 5-minute bell; There's always one who's tempted to talk... and talk... and talk... at great length about their pet subject - while you want to give everyone the chance to speak. Give everyone the chance to call time on anyone who speaks for more than five minutes. Bring a bell into the meeting, position it at the front of the room, and encourage people to ring it if the old moaner - or anyone - goes on for too long.
Step 8:: Minutes; During the meeting you should have someone taking notes on what's been discussed and agreed. Once the meeting is over, have someone write these up and email them to everyone so they know that what they've said has been recorded. Also keep people informed of the outcome of the meeting and what action has been taken on the decisions you made.

How To Delegate

Used wisely, delegation can be an efficient way of getting a job done by giving the right tasks to the right people. We here at VideoJug are going to show you how to delegate effectively.

Step 1:: Know your team; Like the captain of a tightly run ship, you need to keep an eye on how your team works. As individuals complete various tasks, note their respective strengths and weaknesses. Take note of who thrives on what, and which individuals struggle with certain tasks. This way, when it comes to delegating a particular job you'll have a better idea of who to give it to.
Don't always give the same tasks to the same person - or delegate to only one person - this will have ramifications for the rest of the team's confidence.
Step 2:: Define the task; Begin with the bigger picture. Divide the job up into individual tasks with a clear idea of how they fit together. Define exactly what each task is, what skills and experience it requires, and when you need it done by. This will help you decide who to give it to.
Step 3:: Speak to the employee; Take some time to go through the objectives of the task thoroughly so that the employee knows exactly what is expected of them and by when. Also, let them know how the task fits into the bigger picture. This will lend it a sense of purpose, and will help to motivate the employee.; Make sure that the employee understands the standards by which you'll be measuring their work - agree on these standards together, and make them realistic and attainable.; Your job is to issue instructions on what needs doing -but you don't need to be prescriptive on how they should do it. Leave it to their own initiative as much as possible, but make it clear you're available to talk with if they find themselves struggling.
Step 4:: Release and resource; Give the employee the authority they need to complete the task without obstruction, and make sure they have available all the resources they will need. This could entail assigning more staff to work with them, or providing money and equipment.
Step 5:: Monitor their progress; Once you've given them the task, don't spend all day peering over their shoulder. Let them get on with it - but schedule a date for the first progress report. This will give them an initial deadline to work to, and will be a chance for you to keep an eye on what they're up to without crowding them. This progress report will help you see whether they are on schedule, and will give you an opportunity to help them get back on track if not.; At this meeting, don't bombard them with questions, but let them explain to you what they're doing and where they're going with it.; Afterwards, set a date for the next progress report, and if there's anything that you need to do to facilitate the task, go and do it.
Step 6:: Feedback; Once the task has been completed, take some time for a debrief. Allow the employee the chance to evaluate their own work - where they think they did well or badly, and what they would improve on. Praise them for their achievements and offer constructive criticism where appropriate. Also be honest if there's anything you could have done better - perhaps ask them for feedback on your involvement: this will help you learn for next time, as well.

How To Take The Credit For Other People's Work

A manager is responsible for their team's output, so why not take the credit for their work? We'll show you how to take the credit for other people's work and impress your boss.

Step 1:: Being sneaky; You could always just steal the credit for your minions work out right. Sign a document before it is handed to the big man so he thinks it is yours, or hear someone's idea in a development meeting and pitch it as your own two weeks later. These may seem great ideas to receive extra credit in the short term, but it is unethical, and will eventually cause a rift between you and your team.
Step 2:: Plan ahead; Make sure you are well aware of what projects will be coming up in following weeks, or even months, and plan them as meticulously as possible. Create reams of documents describing how you are delegating, specific timescales, and progress reports. This shows clearly that you are in charge, and the success of the project is down to you. It can't hurt to have all this adorning your office when the man above you comes knocking.
Step 3:: Be an Inspiration; Chances are you can wax lyrical about a teacher you once had for hours on what an inspiration they were. It is now your turn to fill that position. To truly take credit for the work of your team, you must be their reason for producing their best. Be a friend, task master, helping hand, and confidant all in one.
You are creating a team that look up to you, united in the opinion that you are in control and you are damn good at it. Encourage good communication, and their respect for your influence over their work will soon reach the people at the top.
Step 4:: Get involved; Just because you have been put in a position of power over your colleagues, does not mean that you should not get involved with the work load.
By no means stifle them by bossing around a project you have handed them, but if there are things to be done that you have the time to do, lend a hand.
This will create a great team spirit that your staff will appreciate, and provides the advantage of genuinely being able to put your name on the end product.
Step 5:: Incentives; By providing your staff with a reason for their endless key tapping, you will ensure that the quality of their output is retained, allowing you to show your superiors that you are captaining the most productive of ships. If an employee completes a task brilliantly and in super quick time, reward them a few hours off, or buy the team some drinks for a Friday afternoon. You could even stop work early for a big socially event, maybe some fun and games in the park. This ensures the effort will be put in next time around, providing yet more quality results to parade in front of your boss.
Step 6:: Give credit where it's due; Taking credit for someone's work and leaving them with no sense of achievement is hugely counter-productive. It will destroy their initiative and lessen their willingness to put in some hard graft. Dishing out the proper recognition brings benefits two fold; they get the credit for a job well done and will continue in that vein, and you get the credit for creating an able team.

How To Find Out Office Gossip If You're The Boss

How To Find Out Office Gossip If You're The Boss: As the boss, satisfy your thirst for scandal and intrigue by following VideoJug's simple steps. Find out what your staff are up to and get in on the office gossip with VideoJug's guide for managers.

Step 1:: Stick close to the lynch pin; In every office, there is a person that all gossip either starts with or goes through. If it is your job to hire and fire, keep an eye out for someone with a distinct lack of morals, and groom them as your personal gossip-monger.

Befriend them, get them to help you out after work when everyone is gone, and treat them to a quick drink afterwards. This loosens the lips yet further, and gets them on your side.

Flatter them, and steer conversation towards potentially rumour abundant subjects. Mention the last office party, or the fact that two colleagues are always slipping away together, but act as innocent as you can. Never let them see the gossip hungry fire in your eyes!
Step 2:: Be the fun loving boss; Be everyone's friend but know went to stop. People are naturally cautious around the boss, so take them out for drinks, being friendly, fun, and buying enough rounds to get the party started. Once it seems inhibitions are being lost make a swift but polite exit. Once you have departed, your team will really let their hair down and start climbing all over each other. You will have created your very own gossip, and all you need do is approach your greatest confidant the next morning, with your nice clear head, and let the sordid truths gush forth.
Step 3:: Be light footed; At any one time, there is guaranteed to be someone gossiping in an office. If you are subtle you can catch glimpses of the most interesting conversations. Wear your lightest shoes, and sidle up to anyone with headphones on to have a quick gander at their email. Make sure you have a valid reason for being there when they spot you though.

Never make a grand entrance, just slip into a room unnoticed. People are often so engrossed in chatting about the fact the secretary is racking up a huge bill on xxx chat lines, they will have no idea you are bathing in the gloriousness of this salacious gossip.
Step 4:: Share and share alike; "The Gossip Cycle" is an intricate part of the universe's workings: You tell someone some gossip on the proviso they TELL NO-ONE. Of course just like you have done, they repeat this exact scenario so on and so forth until the whole world knows your dirty little secret - or, worse, a vastly exaggerated version thereof.

Be prepared for this when you undertake the essential task of baiting a colleague with some personal information. Just something harmless like a drunken teenage exploit that you can live with getting round the office. This will prompt a share and share alike mentality which immediately reaps rewards when you find out that your arch nemesis was found in a compromising position with the sandwich man. No wonder she always got the best lunches.

How To Discipline An Employee

How To Discipline An Employee: Discipline can be an effective tool to improve your team's efficiency, productivity and morale. This VideoJug film will show you how to discipline an employee to its greatest effect.

Step 1:: Why discipline; Discipline is intended to improve performance, deal with unhelpful attitudes or correct damaging behaviour. The idea is to give the employee opportunity to turn their performance around before suspension or dismissal is even mentioned. It's not the same as punishment - The perfect manager is more like a "kindly shepherd" than an "evil dictator".
Step 2:: Be specific; Make it clear to your employee exactly what you are disciplining them about. Statements like "you need to improve your attitude" are extremely unhelpful. Generic statements will only put them on the defensive. Relate unacceptable behaviour to specific standards that have been broken: "You've been late every day this week - this isn't acceptable."
Step 3:: Put it in context; Explain to the employee how their behaviour is impacting on the company or department: "because you've been late, Dave's had to pick up your phone calls - this means he's not been able to do his own work." The employee needs to know why this is an issue to you or the department. The context will help them determine the importance of the situation.
Step 4:: Specify changes; Tell the employee what you expect to change about their behaviour: "I need you at your desk ready to work by 9am every morning…" Be as specific as you can so they don't see this as a personal attack on them; it's simply a change that you would ask anybody to carry out.
Step 5:: Explain consequences; As this is a verbal warning, outline the consequences if their behaviour doesn't change: "If you're late again, I'll have to request a formal disciplinary hearing…" Ensuring they understand the results of not changing makes them feel more responsibility for it
Step 6:: Provide support; Finish on a positive and express your support for their efforts to change: "Let's avoid that though, you're a valuable member of the team, and I know you can do better…" By doing this, they accept responsibility and start thinking positively about the changes, rather than being defensive.
Step 7:: Disciplining your friends; You spend a significant amount of your life at work, so it's natural that you're going to make friends with some of your workmates. Unfortunately, you're still their boss and when it comes to discipline you need to be consistent. It will do team morale no good if you overlook unacceptable behaviour in one person but discipline others.; As with all disciplinary action, your treatment of the situation should be impersonal… you can let them know you are happy with their work, and by introducing this change you can see only positive results in the future. This way, you aren't making this a personal issue, but one where everyone wins.

How To Spot The Signs Of Stress

Stress is a well known trigger for depression so it's important that you identify the signs early and deal with them quickly.

Step 1:: Physical Symptoms; These are probably the first thing that you will become aware of. No one likes pain after all. These are common complaints;
Headaches
Muscle tensions/cramps
Neck & Chest pain
Excessive sleepiness
Lack of sex drive
High blood pressure
Skin complaints
Be particularly aware of any rise in blood pressure as this can be potentially dangerous, resulting in heart conditions. It's recommended that you dose yourself up with Vitamin C if you feel run down as this can boost your immune system and help you fight infection.
Step 2:: Emotional Symptoms; If you're stressed you're obviously not going to be in your best mood but you could be suffering from other symptoms you may not have realised are related to stress:
Moodiness
Over sensitivity
Lack of self confidence
Anger and resentment
Urge to laugh or cry
Irritated
Step 3:: Behavioural Symptoms; Be particularly aware of your alcohol and drug intake as this can increase rapidly when stressed. Excessive intake of these can damage your health permanently. However be aware for the slightly more subtle behaviour changes:
Eating more or less than normal
Weight change
Increase in nervous habits
Overreacting
Excessive exercising
Excessive shopping
Step 4:: Intellectual Symptoms; These include:
Memory problems
Inability to concentrate
Trouble making decisions
Seeing the negative in things
Confusion
Lack of judgment
Desire to run away
Don't let these become stressors as well, don't get angry with yourself as this will only make things worse.; Being aware of the symptoms of stress from an early stage can prevent long term health problems. Please also see VideoJug's "How to manage stress through Lifestyle" and "How to deal with stress at work" for more tips for a calmer stress free life.

How To Relax Using Deep Breathing Techniques

We show you how to relax using deep breathing techniques. This quick and useful guide will teach you how to master the basics of breathing in order to relax the body and mind.

Step 1:: Make yourself comfortable; You can do this technique in any setting, but it is better when your mind is calm and your body is relaxed. Find a quiet place if possible. You can either be seated or lying down. Once in position take a few deep breaths.
Step 2:: Focus your attention; Close your eyes and begin to empty your mind and clear away all thoughts. Pay particular attention to your body and your breathing.
Step 3:: The inhale; Begin by placing your hands on your stomach. Slowly inhale through your nose, filling first the abdomen as you feel your hands rise while the air enters.; Continue filling the lower lungs, and finally the upper chest around the heart.
Step 4:: The exhale; Now, slowly exhale the air out the mouth, going in reverse order, first emptying the chest then the lower lungs and finally the stomach, allowing the belly button to fall towards the spine.
Step 5:: Silent moments; As you repeat these steps, you may start to notice a pause that begins to happen at the end of the inhale and the end of the exhale. It is during these moments that you can now enter a deep state of relaxation benefiting both body and mind.
Step 6:: The rhythm; Now that we've practiced the form, it's time to set a tempo. Different patterns of breathing have varying effects on the systems of the body. For relaxation, we will attempt to slow the heart rate to calm the nervous system.; The key to achieving this is to make the exhale slightly longer than the inhale. This can be done by counting slowly to 5 on the inhale.1..2...3..4...5.; then count to 8 on the exhale. 1..2..3..4…5…6..7…8.
Step 7:: Putting it all together; Now that we've got the style, it's just a matter of practice. It is good to start out with sessions of about 5 minutes each. This will be enough to slow the heartbeat, lower the blood pressure and improve the functioning of the all the body's systems.

How To Never Forget A Name Again

Remembering the names of new people you meet can be difficult, especially if you're in social situation with a large number of people. So this guide will show you three simple steps on how to remember names.

Step 1:: Take an interest; People often assume they will forget the name of someone new. Also, some people are concerned about how they are going to come across when they introduce themselves and therefore put their attention on the image that they are conveying, rather than the other person. Both of these things mean that people often don't listen properly to the name that is being said. To change this, assume that you can learn to remember names. Make it a game with yourself to see how many new names you can recall. When you meet a new person, take an interest in meeting them and really LISTEN to the name. Put your attention on that person, rather than yourself.
Step 2:: Repetition; Now you need to repeat the name, and there are two ways of doing this. You can repeat the name in conversation when you meet somebody, for example, “It's great to meet you, Toby”. The other way to do this is to repeat the name to yourself inside your head. Look at that person's face and say the name to yourself several times. This helps to link the name to the face. Both of these things can seem uncomfortable at first, but if you practise these tips, it becomes more natural and easier over time.
Step 3:: Association; Making an association involves creating a picture or a movie to help you to remember the name. For example, let's imagine that you meet someone called David. So if your father's first name is also David, you might create a visual image in your mind, like a movie of the two of those people meeting and shaking hands. Then, the next time that you see that person and recall the image that you made, you can recall that person's name. You can make an association using a friend or family member by the same name, or by thinking of a celebrity that shares the same name. Here's another way to make a visual image of a person's name. Create a picture that is associated with the name and link it to that person. For example, if you meet a lady called Ruby, you might imagine her wearing large ruby earrings. Or, if you meet a man called Jack, you could make a movie in your head of him using a Jack when changing a tyre on his car.
Step 4:: Recap; First take an interest in learning other people's names.
Repeat the name aloud or to yourself and make an association to help you recall that person's name.

How To Lose Friends And Alienate People

Friends are needy. People are demanding. If you've had it with the human race and are ready to go it alone, follow these easy steps.

Step 1:: Honest To A Fault; Honesty is a good quality, right? If your friend looks like a fat cow in that skirt, tell her so.
Step 2:: The Friend Who Knew Too Much; Share your knowledge- all of it. Condescending know-it-alls are great at alienating people.
Step 3:: No Secrets; Never zip your lips when a friend tells you a juicy secret- even if it means you might not have anyone left to gossip with.
Step 4:: Love Yourself; Love Yourself. Even at the expense of others. Selfishness rocks!
Step 5:: You Be The Judge; Go ahead, Judge Judy. Give the verdict on your friends' every choice.
Step 6:: Positively Negative; There's a negative to everything- find it. Extra credit for constant complaining.
Step 7:: What's Yours Is Mine; Trash anything your friends give you. And don't forget to never pick up the bill.

Secrets Of An (Un)Happy Relationship

Utilise your relationship issues to their fullest potential and turn a perfectly good relationship into a dried out, loveless husk. Our secrets of an (un)happy relationship will show you how.

Step 1:: Demand the impossible; Your partner is completely unable to read your mind, therefore you should demand that they do exactly that.

Sulk around the house in a foul mood, but refuse to tell them why; after all, if they really loved you they should know what they've done wrong.

This will exasperate them, and should kick off a row in no time.
Step 2:: Choose your words; When you eventually begin to talk, use language which will make your partner feel blamed, ignored, and misunderstood.

Instead of, "I felt really lonely when you went out last night," use phrases like,

"you left me all by myself last night; you're so selfish."

Absolutes like "always" and "never" are also useful.

Things like "you ALWAYS leave the oven on"

"You never listen"

"We always do what you want to do and never what I want".

This will make them feel inferior and alienated, and should give you the emotional upper hand.
Step 3:: Trivia; Pick up on the smallest factual error in your partner's argument, and wave this in their face like a weapon.

For instance - "You forgot to put the rubbish out on Thursday"…

"Ha! The rubbish man comes on Wednesday. It wasn't Thursday, it was Wednesday."

Once you've picked up on it, use it as a basis for disagreeing with absolutely anything they've got to say, whether it's related or not.

This should make you so difficult to argue with that they'll just give up.
Step 4:: Argue about everything at once; Take any conflict, however minor, as license to drag up all the issues you've been saving up to fight about.

Bombard them with criticisms and bring up every previous misdemeanor they've ever made.

This way you'll be able to turn a discussion about who drank all the milk into a full-scale row about how they're no good in the sack in minutes.
Step 5:: Use stress to your advantage; Deep breathing, relaxing your muscles and calming your voice are all sure fire ways to ruin a perfectly good row. Keep the fires of rage stoked by assuming stress positions: pace up and down, hyperventilate and shout unnecessarily.

The more stressed-out you are, the better your chances of causing yourself and your partner lasting emotional damage.
Step 6:: Be a bully; Beat your partner down by using a tirade of verbal abuse.

Pick on every flaw they have an exploit it to your advantage. Call them fat, ugly, or stupid. Do whatever you can to make them feel inferior to you.

It won't convince them to see your point of view, but it might get them to give you what you want - or leave.
Step 7:: Suppress your emotions; Arguing is likely to throw up some interesting emotions for the both of you. Like a good cheese, though, these feelings only get more potent with age.

So rather than saying what you really feel and resolving the issue, take your emotions, screw them up tightly and lock them away in a box deep inside of you.

With any luck they'll niggle at you throughout your relationship, and spread like a canker eventually turning your home into a loveless desert of pain and dysfunction.

How To Deal With A Broken Heart

A broken heart can be hard to mend. When a relationship ends, a broken heart is often inevitable, and to fix it can be a lengthy process. But you have a newly single life to enjoy, and it's no good wallowing in heartbroken misery thinking about your ex.Get the best advice from our brand new soap opera "Broken Hearts".

When a relationship is over, you have to learn to accept that is the case.
Step 1:: Share feelings; It is very important to share your feelings. Though you may feel alone you aren't. Any good friend will be willing to talk with you about any worries you have.
Step 2:: Get your feelings on paper; Don't bottle up all the complex emotions. Let them out, perhaps by writing a song or a poem.
Step 3:: Have fun; The best medicine is to go out and have a good time. Try and do all the things you wanted to do, but have never had the opportunity to.; You've got to rebuild your life. Start fresh, see the world, get busy, and get living.

How To Get Off The Phone With Someone Who Won't Shut Up

If you're on the phone with someone who doesn't respect your time, here's your way out.

Step 1:: Pre-emption; If you know it's a loud-mouth calling, don't answer. Hopefully he can tell you what he wants via voicemail. Respond when you know he won't pick up or if your voicemail has a reply option respond directly -- voicemail to voicemail.
Step 2:: The Setup; Open with a line like "Perfect timing! I just happen to have five minutes free right now to talk."
Step 3:: The Ticking Clock; Keep reminding him how much time you have left. If you know they're afraid to ask something directly, jump right to the answer.
Step 4:: Gotta Go; Be blunt. Tell them your time is up. If they still don't shut up, interrupt, remind them you have to go, and let him know it you enjoyed talking to them Encourage the caller to e-mail you about any unfinished business.
Step 5:: Fake Emergencies; If the caller still won't go away, it's time for drastic measures.

Tell them you have a bathroom emergency. Make them think your life is in danger with disaster sound effects. Fake a broken connection; make it convincing by cutting yourself off.
Step 6:: Don't Fret; If you're worried about being rude, remember -- the real rude one is the person who won't shut up. And here's a bonus: your display of how important your time is may make callers rethink how they chat on the phone.; Done.

How To Stop Running Late

Running late can you in trouble with your loved ones, make you miss out on fun stuff, or even get you fired. So learn how to get on time!

Step 1:: Plan Ahead; You keep saying that you can keep it all in your head, but you can't. Write it all down. Researcher Edgar Dale found we remember 10% of what we read, but 70% of what we read and say. So repeat that schedule out loud.
Step 2:: Go The Distance; If your alarm clock is right next to your bed, it's real easy to hit the snooze button. So, try moving the clock somewhere that makes you have to physically get up and turn it off.
Step 3:: Get Real; Experts say that if you want to be real about it, write down the last 5 or 6 times you were late. Figure out where you went wrong. You can't stick to an unrealistic schedule. Time your drive to work, to the store, know how long your bathroom routine takes and factor in all of it.

How to Be a Good Listener

Listen or thy tongue will keep thee deaf. - Native American Proverb

Listening is an essential part of communication, and it is different from hearing. Being a good and patient listener helps you not only solve many problems at work or home, but also to see the world through the eyes of others, thereby opening your understanding and enhancing your capacity for empathy. Besides which, you learn a lot from listening. As deceptively simple as listening to and acknowledging other people may seem, doing it well, particularly when disagreements arise, takes sincere effort and lots of practice.

Steps

Place yourself in the other person's shoes. It is often too easy to wonder about how what the other person is telling you is impacting you. As you worry about this, you reflect any tension, annoyance, or irritation back in your body gestures and facial expressions. Active listening is not about inward thinking. Instead, you must draw away from the temptation to do this by looking at the issues from the other person's perspective and actively trying to see his or her point of view. It is not a good idea to consider yourself to be smarter than the speaker and assume that if you would have been in his or her shoes, you would have seen your way through the problem much faster.
Remove all distractions. Give the speaker 100% of your attention. Turn off cell phones, do not let your eyes wander about looking for a break, and politely brush aside any interruptions such as waiters or people who suddenly spot you and want to say "hello." It may be easiest to arrange to talk somewhere that such distractions will not occur.
Practice the empathetic sounding back technique. At appropriate intervals during the conversation, it is helpful to "summarize and restate" and/or "repeat and encourage" the main points:
- Repeat and encourage: Repeat some of the things said by the speaker. At the same time, encourage the speaker with positive feedback. For example, you might say: "You didn't enjoy having to take the blame. I can see why." Go easy with this technique, however, because if you overwork it, it may come across as being patronizing.
- Summarize and restate: It is also very useful to summarize what the speaker is saying and restate it in your own words. This is a form of reassuring the speaker that you have truly been listening to what he or she is saying. It also provides the speaker with an opportunity to correct any mistaken assumptions or misconceptions that have may have arisen during the course of the conversation. This is an especially good technique to try when you find yourself getting frustrated or restless in your listening.
Do not interrupt with what you feel or think about the topic being discussed. Wait for another person to ask your opinion before interrupting the flow of discussion. Active listening requires the listener to shelve his or her own opinions temporarily, and await appropriate breaks in the conversation for summarizing. Abstain from giving direct advice. Instead, let him or her talk the situation out and find his or her own way. Besides, if he or she takes your advice and something goes wrong, he or she will be likely to blame you (whether he or she tells you or not).
Ask meaningful and empowering questions. Do not seek to probe or make the other person defensive. Rather, aim to use questions as a means by which the speaker can begin to reach his or her own conclusions about the concerns or issues being raised. Once you have shown empathetic listening, it is time to move into empowering listening by re-framing the questions that you ask the the speaker. For example: "You didn't enjoy having to take the blame. But I cannot understand why you feel blamed rather than merely being asked not to do something that way." Wording the question in this manner presents the speaker with a need to respond directly to your lack of grasping something. In the process of doing so, the speaker should begin to move from a more emotional response to a more constructive response.
Wait for the person to open up. In the process of encouraging a constructive response, an active listener must continue to be patient and let the speaker acquire his or her full flow of thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Keep yourself in his or her shoes and try to estimate why he or she is in such a situation.
Use body gestures and facial expressions to express your interest and to unearth what is left unsaid. Active listening involves the entire body and face--both yours and that of the speaker:
- Your expression: Look interested and meet the gaze of your speaker from time to time. Do not overwhelm the speaker by staring intently, but do reflect friendliness and openness to what you are listening to.
- Read between the lines: Always be alert for things that have been left unsaid or for cues that can help you gauge the speaker's true feelings. Watch the facial and body expressions of the speaker to try to gather all information you can, not just from the words. Imagine what kind of state of mind would have made you acquire such expressions, body language, and volume.
- Speak at approximately the same energy level as the other person. This way, he or she will know that the message is getting through and that there is no need to repeat.
Be patient and respect pauses. Do not jump to speak up after the speaker has come to his or her own conclusions or resolutions and there is a pause. It is possible that more is yet to be said by the speaker. Let the speaker be the first to break this silence. You can always come back with your solutions or suggestions next time you talk, or the speaker may ask you to clarify your thoughts or offer more opinions at the time. Listening is about understanding another person, not about making suggestions (unless asked).
Try to reassure the speaker that all is well. Whatever the conclusion of the conversation, let the speaker know that you have been happy to listen and to be a sounding board. Make it clear that you are open to further discussion if need be, but that you will not pressure him or her at all. In addition, reassure the speaker of your intention to keep the discussion confidential. Offer to assist with any solutions if you have the ability, time, and expertise. Do not build up false hopes, however. If the only resource you can provide is to continue to be an active listener, make that very clear; in and of itself, this is a very valuable help to any person.
Accept that everyone has a unique thought process and ways to express himself/herself. Too often we jump to conclusion before others finish talking because we place information we hear into our own thought process. Try not to do that. Instead, look for fine differences if it sounds like the speaker may be agreeing with you, and look for areas he or she might indicate agreement if it sounds like an objection. Understand that you do not need 100% agreement to reach the same decision.

Tips

Never criticize while listening, and never attack another person for his or her feelings. This spoils your reputation as a listener and will completely remove the speaker's motivation to speak up.
Listening is about creating a caring environment in which the other person feels encouraged by your ability to understand.
The more you listen, the more trusted you become.
The more difficult listening becomes, the more important it is to listen.
Remember that when your counterpart feels that he or she has been listened to, he or she is much more likely to listen to your ideas. On the contrary, if no one ever listened to each other, then they would fall victim to bad listening, and would not have a chance to fully express themselves. Your desire to express should begin with listening well to others.
Postpone an important conversation if you are not in the mood to listen. It is better to not talk about it if you are not ready than to try to force through a conversation where you are too distracted by emotions, worries, and other things that prevent you from listening.
Avoid phrases that imply that you have not listened fully to the points communicated to you such as "Yeah but..." Instead, learn to use phrases that provide confirmation that you have heard the other side fully, such as "I see. Now tell me what you would say to this..."
Keep in mind that sometimes we need to listen "between the lines," but there are times when we need to absorb things at face value. When we listen intensively, our minds are often busy placing what we hear into the situation and our emotions, which creates barriers to our ability to listen fully what is being said. This is similar to making judgments and drawing conclusions before all has been said. Don't do that. Take it at its face value and go with the flow.

Warnings

Never assume that what worked for you will work for everyone else as well.
Never try to fit in your biographical account and "been-there-done-that" experiences into what the speaker is saying. It is better to keep quiet, even if you have had the same problem a year ago and you know how to work your way out. If you listen well, it is quite possible that your suggestions and experience will be solicited later on.
If you find yourself formulating a response before the other person has finished speaking, you are not listening.
The more confident you are in your own idea, the more you should be willing to suspend that point of view for the moment.
If a person pauses as if trying to think of the right word, don't jump in with a word of your own. Some people are careful about their choice of words. It doesn't mean they need help. Finishing someone's thought is rude and disruptive.

How To Argue Productively

Arguing is a normal part of any relationship - and can make your relationship stronger. Relationship psychotherapist Paula Hall gives her top tips for having a productive argument.

Step 1:: Work out what you're really arguing about; Be self-aware. Are you really arguing about the washing up, or is there a deeper issue under the surface? If so, stop arguing about the washing up and have the discussion.
Step 2:: Confront the issue, not each other; Many couples start arguing about an issue but end up arguing about who's fault it is. Keep the initial issue at the forefront of your mind, and don't resort to blaming each other.
Step 3:: Always stick to the matter in hand; Don't bring up the past, other issues, or other peoples' opinions. Argue about one thing at a time.
Step 4:: Be adult; You might find that you sound like a strict parent or rebellious child when you argue. Imagine having the same conversation with your boss and think about how you would respond. Bring that "adult" self into the conflict with your partner.
Step 5:: Check yourself; Be aware of how you're feeling. If you're tired, stressed, ill or irritable, give your partner some warning so that they can give you space.

How To Win Any Argument

Arguments can be tough; winning an argument can be tougher. You can prevail, however, if you're armed with a handful of successful techniques. VideoJug's Ten Tips For Winning Any Argument will show you how you can mix it up and take the fight every time.

Step 1:: Quiet; The quieter you are, the harder your opponent has to work to listen to you. Keep your voice low. Once your opponent leans in, he's yours.
Step 2:: Facts And Figures; Know your stuff. The better prepared you are with real information, the more likely you are to intimidate your opponent into agreeing with you. Bonus Tip: Feel free to fake it, as long as you can do it convincingly.
Step 3:: Listen; Stop worrying about what you're going to say next. LISTEN to your opponent. The more he talks, the more opportunity you have to drive a truck through the holes in his argument.
Step 4:: Achilles Heel; Find your opponent's weakness, and exploit it! If he can't think on his feet, ask him rapid-fire questions. If he is afraid of cheese, order lunch. Use whatever you can to get him off his game.
Step 5:: Focus; Stay on track. Avoid tangents. Don't argue a point for the sake of arguing it. Stick to your subject, and remember what you want. You don't need to be right; you need to achieve your goal.
Step 6:: Apologize; Sounds counterintuitive, but if you apologize for a small slight or mistake, your opponent will be disarmed. By choosing your moment to expose your "flaws," you will make your opponent feel guilty for opposing you.
Step 7:: Emotions In Check; Do NOT show emotion, and do NOT let your emotions affect your argument. Your opponent will see frustration, defensiveness or tears as signs of weakness, and you will lose all the ground you've gained. Bonus Tip: Whatever you say when you're upset will be stupid, anyway.
Step 8:: Velvet Glove, Iron Fist; Just because you shouldn't show real emotion doesn't mean you shouldn't turn it on at some point. If it's time to intimidate your opponent, go big. Remind him who's boss. Just keep it controlled.
Step 9:: Manipulate; Sometimes, it's best to let your opponent think he came up with the resolution to your problem. This is a long-haul strategy - you have to seed the idea in your opponent's mind and then nurture it with words - but when you want something from your opponent, it's an excellent tactic.
Step 10:: Shhhh….; Best tip of all: Just stop talking. That's it. Go silent. It's impossible to argue with someone who won't argue back. Your opponent will eventually start feeling like an idiot and slink away. It takes some confidence and a pretty strong will, but so does winning.

Arguing In A Relationship

VideoJug: Arguing In A Relationship

Arguing In A Relationship

Is there a "right" way to argue with a partner?

Romantic arguments are the most painful, because the person you're arguing with is the person that, psychologically, you are the closest with. They can wound you in ways no one else can. They can touch the parts of your unconsciousness that no one else has any idea is there, so when they do, it's really wounding. There's no right way to argue with a partner, but there are things that you can do during an argument to sort of minimize the damage and reassure the person that you're with that you are a reasonable person.

What's the "7-day rule" in relationship discussions?

Here's one of the key problems for almost every couple I have ever known. They break the 7 day rule. The 7 day rule is very simple. If it happened more than seven days ago, it is off the table. You don't get to bring it up. When we feel defensive, we look for any amunition that will buck us up. The stuff that happened a long time ago probably has no bearing on what we are talking about now but it's a quick, cheap, easy way for us to feel good about ourselves by saying, "Oh yeah, but you did something wrong." The thing is, it gets us completely off point. We don't really solve the issue at hand when we start deciding to refight fights that were fought two weeks, three months, five years ago.

What's wrong with raising my voice during a discussion?

You don't win any points for volume when you are having an argument with somebody, and the thing is all you do is make them feel defensive. You don't want somebody you are arguing with to feel defensive, you want them willing to be reasonable with you. If you are screaming at them you have lost any chance for that.

How can admitting that I'm wrong help diffuse arguments in my relationship?

One of our constant complaints about our partners tends to be, "they're so unreasonable when we fight." Well you know what, you can seem reasonable even in the middle of a fight, by admitting to something that you've done wrong. It doesn't even have to be the whole thing you are talking about, it could be something within an argument. For example, you say something in the heat of an argument that you know you shouldn't have said, stop. Say, "wait a minute, I am sorry, I shouldn't have said that." It's amazing how your reasonableness can create the same kind of reasonableness in your partner.

How can I avoid explosive arguments in my relationship?

When I was a kid, we had the TV show "Mission Impossible". It started every week with a line of gunpowder that was slowly going towards the bomb and the explosion. Arguments feel like that, and the way you break that gunpowder line so the bomb doesn't go off is you avoid certain things. Here are two big triggers for explosive arguments: Always and never. People don't "always" do anything, and they don't "never" do anything. So when you use absolutes like that, you make your partner feel like you're being completely unreasonable, and it tends to set them off.

How To Stop An Argument In 30 Seconds

How To Stop A Row In 30 Seconds

Whether it's your partner, fiancé or wife/ husband; all relationships have row's and arguments. To avoid the row escalating into something more serious, learn how to get out of that argument before it's even started with our guide to how to stop a row in 30 seconds.

Step 1:: Nip it in the bud; The first thing you need to do is listen hard. Don't say anything- this can be mistaken for wanting a row. You need to find out what's up. If it can be undone, undo it - right now. Now apologise, and apologise again. There, job done. Row over.
If it can't be undone you'll have to move onto...
Step 2:: Suspend your ego; If it can't be undone, you're probably going to get shouted at. Being on the receiving end of a ball breaking isn't pleasant, and your first instinct may be to react in kind. Don't. However aggrieved you feel about this row - just take it on the chin. Especially if the reason for the argument doesn't mean too much to you. It will save you a lot of time and energy if you don't fight back. Hear what she has to say, and nod as if you agree. Wait for her to take a breath, and....
Step 3:: Apologise; Now say sorry, sincerely. Even if it wasn't your fault. Try and turn the words she has just used to berate you with into an apology- so she knows you have listened to her complaint. So for instance if her complaint is that she had to walk all the way home from ballet class in her tutu, because you didn't collect her in the car, then say "I'm really sorry that you had to walk all the way home from ballet class in your tutu, because I didn't collect you in the car."
By proving that you listened, she may be distracted enough to forget that you haven't come up with a solution. And this may not be important to her anyway. Coming up with a solution is a very male way of thinking. She may just want some support. But keep apologising, just to be safe.
If she accepts the apology now, you are home and dry, but if she is still going ballistic....
Step 4:: Supersize it; Make the issue that has annoyed your partner seem tiny by introducing something gargantuan. It may be a lie, it may be the truth, but it must have a profoundly dramatic effect, and involve your tears. Perhaps you just got a job on an oil-rig. Perhaps you are taking her on holiday to Hawaii. Perhaps you just saw Brad Pitt in Sainsbury's. Whatever it is, make it so big, that the original row is completely swallowed up by it.

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Monday, September 15, 2008

How To Motivate Your Employees

Motivate YOU first

Get to know your employees

Use smarter goals

Delegate Authority

Work out a Reward System

How To Run A Meeting

Preparation

A facilitator

Room layout

Timing

Icebreaker

The hangar

The 5-minute bell

Minutes

How To Delegate

Know your team

Define the task

Speak to the employee

Release and resource

Monitor their progress

Feedback

How To Take The Credit For Other People's Work

Being sneaky

Plan ahead

Be an Inspiration

Get involved

Incentives

Give credit where it's due

How To Find Out Office Gossip If You're The Boss

Stick close to the lynch pin

Be the fun loving boss

Be light footed

Share and share alike

How To Discipline An Employee

Why discipline

Be specific

Put it in context

Specify changes

Explain consequences

Provide support

Disciplining your friends

How To Spot The Signs Of Stress

Physical Symptoms

Emotional Symptoms

Behavioural Symptoms

Intellectual Symptoms

How To Relax Using Deep Breathing Techniques

Make yourself comfortable

Focus your attention

The inhale

The exhale

Silent moments

The rhythm

Putting it all together

How To Never Forget A Name Again

Take an interest

Repetition

Association

Recap

How To Lose Friends And Alienate People

Honest To A Fault

The Friend Who Knew Too Much

No Secrets

Love Yourself

You Be The Judge

Positively Negative

What's Yours Is Mine

Secrets Of An (Un)Happy Relationship

Demand the impossible

Choose your words

Trivia

Argue about everything at once

Use stress to your advantage

Be a bully

Suppress your emotions