Arguing In A Relationship

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Arguing In A Relationship

Is there a "right" way to argue with a partner?

Romantic arguments are the most painful, because the person you're arguing with is the person that, psychologically, you are the closest with. They can wound you in ways no one else can. They can touch the parts of your unconsciousness that no one else has any idea is there, so when they do, it's really wounding. There's no right way to argue with a partner, but there are things that you can do during an argument to sort of minimize the damage and reassure the person that you're with that you are a reasonable person.

What's the "7-day rule" in relationship discussions?

Here's one of the key problems for almost every couple I have ever known. They break the 7 day rule. The 7 day rule is very simple. If it happened more than seven days ago, it is off the table. You don't get to bring it up. When we feel defensive, we look for any amunition that will buck us up. The stuff that happened a long time ago probably has no bearing on what we are talking about now but it's a quick, cheap, easy way for us to feel good about ourselves by saying, "Oh yeah, but you did something wrong." The thing is, it gets us completely off point. We don't really solve the issue at hand when we start deciding to refight fights that were fought two weeks, three months, five years ago.

What's wrong with raising my voice during a discussion?

You don't win any points for volume when you are having an argument with somebody, and the thing is all you do is make them feel defensive. You don't want somebody you are arguing with to feel defensive, you want them willing to be reasonable with you. If you are screaming at them you have lost any chance for that.

How can admitting that I'm wrong help diffuse arguments in my relationship?

One of our constant complaints about our partners tends to be, "they're so unreasonable when we fight." Well you know what, you can seem reasonable even in the middle of a fight, by admitting to something that you've done wrong. It doesn't even have to be the whole thing you are talking about, it could be something within an argument. For example, you say something in the heat of an argument that you know you shouldn't have said, stop. Say, "wait a minute, I am sorry, I shouldn't have said that." It's amazing how your reasonableness can create the same kind of reasonableness in your partner.

How can I avoid explosive arguments in my relationship?

When I was a kid, we had the TV show "Mission Impossible". It started every week with a line of gunpowder that was slowly going towards the bomb and the explosion. Arguments feel like that, and the way you break that gunpowder line so the bomb doesn't go off is you avoid certain things. Here are two big triggers for explosive arguments: Always and never. People don't "always" do anything, and they don't "never" do anything. So when you use absolutes like that, you make your partner feel like you're being completely unreasonable, and it tends to set them off.